When you survive a loss everyone is so quick to tell you how strong you are, and how tough you must be. But actually, no one has a choice to survive grief, it’s not optional. You just have to cry in the shower, sob in your pillow and believe you will make it. The way i’m choosing to deal with it is writing this blog and yes I still cry, everyday as a matter of fact. Losing Masyn was literally the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I struggle everyday to put on a smile and act like I am just peachy. Any little thing can trigger my tears, a video on FB, a pregnant woman, even a little girl having fun in the park. I hold myself together quit well in public.
There is no time limit on your grieving process. When you are grieving you are not responsible for making everyone happy. You do not have to try to fix things. Take time to just be, sit, and feel. As day goes on you do feel better and you go through your day, but when I sit at home alone or when the sun goes down my mind starts to go again. Who would she have been? who would she have looked like? would she have been a tattoo wearing lady like her momma? or a outdoor hunter like her daddy? or maybe a good mixture of both? maybe neither!
I know it may not seem like a big deal to you, maybe you have never lost a baby, or maybe you have and it wasn’t that painful for you. It wasn’t ” just a miscarriage “, it was the loss of a baby, MY BABY. It was the loss of my dreams I had for her. Everyone that goes through a loss deals with it different so please do not tell me you know how I feel.
The hormonal roller coaster….. now that is something that may have to wait for another blog lol….. its been a ride.
The truth is…… you don’t get over grief. It just changes on you. It might look different today than it did yesterday, but its not something you get over.