Hurting Heart, Angry Heart

Today, my heart is both hurting and angry. I have this bad butterfly feeling in my tummy. My mind is turning. How can it be ok one day and do a completely 180 the next day?  Have I officially reached my ANGRY stage in the grieving process? Gosh…. I’m pissed the fuck off today. 

It’s almost taking my breath away today. How is it that people who are well and able to have a child have the most difficulties or can’t conceive, and people who are peices of shit are fertile as fuck and have 10 kids! 

I also feel very guilty today as well. I SHOULD HAVE DELIVERED HER! I regret getting the D&E.. I could have held her, seen her, gotten her foot prints. But now I’ll never know. Now I’m left with feeling like .. will my body every be back to normal? Did that surgery screw me up? 

I’m jealous of everyone else who’s pregnant. I’m happy for them but extremely jealous. I hate that I feel that way. I’m bitter. Being strong is so hard. But like my friend told me yesterday .. YOU GOTTA KEEP ON KEEPING ON! I have to stay positive. I’m stronger than how I’m acting. 

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