Well, I’m sitting here on fb, and all I see are babies and pregnancy photos, and maternity photos. It makes me sad…. there are really only a couple of words to decribe my feelings today.

Alone: I know many women go through this but I can’t help to feel alone in this. I should have been almost two month away from seeing Masyn. My due date is fast approaching.

Jealous: I want what they have. I want to grow my family, and have a healthy living baby. You can’t help but to feel jealous.

I sat on the couch and went through my baby book today and looked at all of masyn’s ultrasound pictures. My eyes filled with tears. I felt like I hadn’t cried in a while so it was nice to let it out. Having ultrasound pictures from 9 weeks to 19 weeks every two weeks during my pregnancy I really felt like I knew her already. A connection a mother has with her unborn child is something you can’t really explain. 

My only wish is that I get to experience that again. 

Today I’m praying, praying that I have a healthy living baby, praying that every woman going through this has their moment. Praying that every woman going through infertility finds their rainbow one way or another. 

Before I got pregnant with Masyn I knew I wanted to have a baby, but it wasn’t something I dreamed about. I didn’t feel like I had some calling to be a mother. When I lost her, everything changed. I now dream of being a mother, that’s the only thing I want to do in life is to be a mother.

Here’s to another day of grieving the loss of my child. Masyn Lynn Gehring…. you are heavy on my heart today. 

Side note: I am in my “fertile window” FINGERS, TOES  and everything else is crossed! 

The very last picture is a picture I didn’t really show many people. That was the last ultrasound I had. She was gone in that picture. She had lost mass in her body as you can see. She had been gone for about a week and a half. 


4 thoughts on “Thoughts 

  1. Oh this makes me sad! We miss you at Sneak-A-Peek and I can’t wait to see you again! We loved watching her grow and It still breaks my heart to have to have taken those last pictures for you but I’m glad we got to show her to you every 2 weeks and you got to see grow! I know it will happen again and we will see you again, hopefully soon!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been there too. And this incredible aching feeling of loss will pass. But the love you have for your lossed little one will remain. I pray you guys get your rainbow ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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