Well, I’m sitting here on fb, and all I see are babies and pregnancy photos, and maternity photos. It makes me sad…. there are really only a couple of words to decribe my feelings today.
Alone: I know many women go through this but I can’t help to feel alone in this. I should have been almost two month away from seeing Masyn. My due date is fast approaching.
Jealous: I want what they have. I want to grow my family, and have a healthy living baby. You can’t help but to feel jealous.
I sat on the couch and went through my baby book today and looked at all of masyn’s ultrasound pictures. My eyes filled with tears. I felt like I hadn’t cried in a while so it was nice to let it out. Having ultrasound pictures from 9 weeks to 19 weeks every two weeks during my pregnancy I really felt like I knew her already. A connection a mother has with her unborn child is something you can’t really explain.
My only wish is that I get to experience that again.
Today I’m praying, praying that I have a healthy living baby, praying that every woman going through this has their moment. Praying that every woman going through infertility finds their rainbow one way or another.
Before I got pregnant with Masyn I knew I wanted to have a baby, but it wasn’t something I dreamed about. I didn’t feel like I had some calling to be a mother. When I lost her, everything changed. I now dream of being a mother, that’s the only thing I want to do in life is to be a mother.
Here’s to another day of grieving the loss of my child. Masyn Lynn Gehring…. you are heavy on my heart today.
The very last picture is a picture I didn’t really show many people. That was the last ultrasound I had. She was gone in that picture. She had lost mass in her body as you can see. She had been gone for about a week and a half.